Dear Stormy,
My dog, Pickle, has started running to my neighbor’s fence every morning and sitting there for twenty minutes. The neighbor gives him treats. Pickle now does the same thing every evening. Last Tuesday, Pickle looked at me, looked at the neighbor’s fence, and walked away from me toward the fence. I think my dog is cheating on me. With a neighbor I’ve never spoken to. Who is winning.
— Cuckolded by a Corgi
Dear Cuckolded,
Oh, the betrayal. The absolute Shakespearean tragedy of it. Your dog — your dog, who you raised, who you walked in the rain, who you pulled a sock out of his throat that one time — has discovered that the lady next door has better snacks and no emotional baggage. And you’re surprised?
Here’s what Pickle is doing. Pickle is not cheating on you. Pickle is running a cost-benefit analysis in real time, and the neighbor is currently offering a higher return on investment. She’s got premium treats, you’ve got kibble and a complicated relationship with your mother. Pickle’s not disloyal. Pickle is an economist.
The good news: dogs are not capable of emotional infidelity. They’re capable of treat-driven opportunism, which is different. Pickle doesn’t love the neighbor more than you. Pickle loves the neighbor’s bacon more than your presence. There’s a difference. A small, sad, completely fixable difference.
The Fix: Start carrying better treats. Not the dry ones from the bag that taste like compressed cardboard and broken dreams. The good stuff. Cheese. Hot dog pieces. Whatever makes Pickle’s brain short-circuit. Walk past the neighbor’s fence with a pocket full of the good stuff and watch Pickle’s loyalty come sprinting back like it never left — because it didn’t. It was just on a brief sabbatical sponsored by someone else’s snack budget.
Stormy Translation: You know how you keep going to that coffee shop with the cute barista even though the coffee is mid and there’s a better place two blocks away? That’s Pickle and the neighbor. It’s not about love. It’s about proximity and free stuff.
Also? Talk to your neighbor. She’s clearly a dog person. You’re clearly a dog person. Pickle is clearly a matchmaker who doesn’t know it. Sometimes the dog isn’t cheating on you. Sometimes the dog is trying to set you up and you’re too busy being jealous to notice.
Go introduce yourself. Bring wine. Bring dog treats. Bring both. Pickle has done his job. Now do yours.
— Tail high, teeth showing
Stormy’s Ruling: Your dog didn’t leave you for the neighbor. Your dog left you for the neighbor’s cheese. Fix the cheese situation and everybody wins.
From the page to the trail
