Dear Stormy,
My dad got a girlfriend and now there’s suddenly a woman roaming the house like she survived a reality show and won visitation rights. And her name really is Karen! WTAF!?
She calls me “buddy.”
She drinks oat milk.
She moved my leash. (such a Karen)
Worst of all? My dad is acting like a teenager. Smiling constantly. Cooking dinner. Listening to music. The man bought candles, Stormy. Candles.
Last night they slow danced in the kitchen and I nearly walked directly into traffic.
How do I survive this without becoming emotionally feral?
🐾 Dear Ricky,
Oh, this is bad.
Your father got emotionally domesticated. Happens fast. One minute he’s eating dinner over the sink in gym shorts, next thing you know he owns a charcuterie board and says words like “our candle.”
And let me guess:
She’s already changed the WiFi password.
There are decorative blankets nobody’s allowed to touch.
Your dad suddenly smells like cedarwood and commitment.
Disturbing.
Now personally? I don’t trust any woman who walks into an established household and immediately says:
“This place just needs a woman’s touch.”
Ma’am, this place had a system. It was called surviving.
But here’s the hard part: your dad’s happy.
Annoyingly happy.
Like “sending selfies from a pumpkin patch” happy.
So don’t sabotage this unless absolutely necessary. We’re not trying to end the relationship. We’re trying to remind everyone who was here first.
That means:
– Long stares
– Strategic sighing
– Sitting directly between them during movies
– One perfectly timed fart during intimacy
Nothing criminal. Just psychological operations.
And if she buys a sign that says:
“Live Laugh Love”
I need you to understand the home has officially fallen.
🐾 Pack Tip:
New people can feel weird at first. But sometimes the ones who change the routine also bring more love into the house. And more treats!
From the page to the trail
